Russian Roulette

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer the spring of 1994. They had found a spot on her lung and she assured me and my sisters that it was 'probably nothing'. It turned out to be something - cancer. Most types of lung cancer are inoperable because the cancer is detected too late or it's spread to lymph nodes. My mom was lucky. Her cancer was operable and it had only affected one lymph node. After surgery I remember the surgeon talking to my dad and me and my sisters and saying, adamently 'You have to get her to quit smoking!' He didn't know my mother. I'm thinking he didn't really know smokers, in general.

My sisters and I have tried many ways to get my parents to quit smoking. When we were young we would hide their cigarettes or throw them away. We'd plead with them to quit because we were worried. I remember telling my mom that she'll get lung cancer if she keeps smoking. Beleive me -it doesn't feel good to be right.

My parents would dismiss our intentions and eventually get mad. We'd give up trying to get them to quit. Sometime they did try to quit on their own. I don't remember it lasting more than a day. I think it's harder when both husband and wife smoke. While one is trying to quit the other is smoking.

In college I took some psychology classes. For one of my classes we had to design and implement our own behavior modification. My parent graciously participated in my experiment - every time they had a craving for a cigarette they would snap a rubber band around their wrists. I thought it was kind of sweet in a twisted way that they would allow me to 'punish' them in this way. I never yelled at my parents - they didn't yell either. We come from good Scandanavian stock - we stuffed our feelings. When we got mad it poured out in passive aggressive ways, or in my mother's case more bizzarre behavior.

I think smokers never really think that they will get lung cancer or emphysema. Many don't. And many do. I think it's like playing Russian Roulette. You never know if the bullet is pointed your way. And so many people are willing to take that risk. I don't get that. Maybe because lung cancer and emphysema seem so far away. If you start smoking in your 20's and don't get sick until you 60's or 70's - it's too far in the future to seem real.

Back to my mom. She went home a few days after her surgery. I took her cigarettes away from her and told her what the surgeon said. She narrowed her eyes and growled at me 'Give them back - you bitch!' Nice, huh? I'm trying to save her life and she's verbally abusing me. I gave her back her cigarettes and never tried to hide them again. Luckily, dad was there to buy her cigarettes. I don't know what I would have done if she had asked me to buy them. I tried to take away the smoking gun but failed. She kept playing Russian Roulette. And she lost.

Annelie

My mother died 14 years ago. She had lung cancer - an operable form and she had gone through chemotherapy, too. She died of a stroke about 6 months after her diagnosis.

And she was a smoker.

I wanted to create this web site to remember her and to talk about the mixed emotions that I went through during this time. Mainly I want to help other people who's loved one is seriously ill from the effects of cigarettes. Lung cancer is the leading cancer killer among women, but I'm guessing most people think it's breast cancer. I think that's because women with breast cancer haven't contributed to their illnesses - 'they aren't to blame'. Also, many times women are older when they are diagnosed with lung cancer. The articles I've read in women's magazines rarely address lung cancer, and when they do the patient 'had never smoked a day in their lives'. I'm guessing emphysema is mainly caused from smoking, also. I think it's funny how they changed the name to COPD - to make it less stigmatizing I would guess.

My mother smoked. Lots and lots. She started smoking in her 20's and never quit - not even after her lung cancer diagnosis. I'm guessing since lung cancer is the leading cancer killer among women, and that most lung cancer is due to the effects of smoking, there are many people out there who have lost a loved one to lung cancer, or are maybe facing this battle right now. I thought it was time we should have a forum for this subject - not to blame the people who smoke but to express ourselves - the way adult children of alcoholics do. They even have a support group (Al-anon). So I plan to write once a week about my mother, about cigarettes, and about my mother and her cigarettes. I welcome any comments from people with similar feelings and life events. This web site is dedicated to my goofy, elegant, smart, beautiful, depressed, soulful, mean, strong and smokin' mother, Annelie.