Saturday, October 17, 2009

Minnesota funerals bite

My mom died in January - almost 15 years ago. I was pregnant with my third child at the time. I remember my nurse midwife being so worried about me when I told her about my mom. She wanted me to take a few weeks off work to reduce my stress. I laughed at the idea of taking so much time off and, or course, only took a few days off work.

My mom didn't have any nice clothes for her burial so my sisters and I had to go shopping for her. The saleslady in a small shop asked is she could help us and we told her we were looking for a dress for our mother. She said, "Oh, how nice." After a few more questions we finally told her mom had died. It was all so awkward. We didn't want to make the saleslady uncomfortable.

Which brings us to the topic of "Minnesota Nice". Minnesotans don't want to make a scene. We don't want to rock the boat. So we stuff our emotions while we take care of everyone else.

Funerals in Minnesota are a minimal expression of our losses. We make small talk with relatives and show composure and say and do all the right things. We even cry when we are supposed to. Right on cue.

What I wanted to do at my mom's funeral was scream at the top of my lungs. Or hit someone. I was so angry. And afterwards, at mom and dad's house, to see all the ladies helping out in my mother's kitchen triggered more primal rage. This was my mother's space - her kitchen, her life. People had no right to be in my mother's home.

What really happened at my mother's funeral is that I comforted others and made small talk. I tended to my kids and stuffed my emotions. I took care of my pregnant self - drank enough water so I didn't get dehydrated and ate a bit.

It makes sense in those cultures in the world that have professional mourners who go to funerals. They cry and moan and carry on. Minnesota should have professionals who grieve like that since it's so difficult for us to do. I wonder where you get one.

It wouldn't be in autumn

You know that song from the musical 'Camelot' where the king sings about what he'd miss about his wife if he left her? He goes through the seasons and each season sparks new memories.

I miss my mom in autumn. Fall was her favorite season. I think she liked the cool air and the color of the leaves and anticipating the holidays. I think she especially liked when school started and she could finally have some alone time. She was a housewife and home was her office. I don't blame her. If I had three kids running around my workspace all day long that would drive me nuts, too.

Having alone time didn't stop her from smoking. I think she would do housework for awhile and then take a cigarette and coffee break - I think that's how her day went. When I was young I used to think if us kids would be nicer or quieter or anything to help reduce mom's stress then she would quit smoking. But she smoked when she was happy, too. Nothing I did made a difference. I was powerless over her cigarette addiction. I wonder if she was, too.

So if someone dies from a cigarette-related death, is it considered homocide or suicide? Humans have free will. Which leads us to do lots of stupid things. Like have unprotected sex. Or drive while intoxicated. Or light up that first cigarette.

Smokers play their addiction the way all addicts do - with lots of denial and blaming others and minimizing. That's what keeps people using their drug of choice. That's what keeps smokers smoking.

The cigarette companies, meanwhile, load their products with addictive substances to keep smokers hooked. I've heard that it's more difficult to quit smoking than to quit using heroin. I wonder why there are no government controls over the lethal substances put in cigarettes.

I don't think we can place blame on just the individual or just the tobacco companies for a cigarette related death. I think both have an equal part in these deaths. I think you can't have one without the other. So I (being the dorky person that I am) came up with a new word that explains this. Shomicide. Say it ten times fast. My mother's death was a shomicide. And, beleive it or not, I feel better after having figured this out.