Minnesota funerals bite

My mom died in January - almost 15 years ago. I was pregnant with my third child at the time. I remember my nurse midwife being so worried about me when I told her about my mom. She wanted me to take a few weeks off work to reduce my stress. I laughed at the idea of taking so much time off and, or course, only took a few days off work.

My mom didn't have any nice clothes for her burial so my sisters and I had to go shopping for her. The saleslady in a small shop asked is she could help us and we told her we were looking for a dress for our mother. She said, "Oh, how nice." After a few more questions we finally told her mom had died. It was all so awkward. We didn't want to make the saleslady uncomfortable.

Which brings us to the topic of "Minnesota Nice". Minnesotans don't want to make a scene. We don't want to rock the boat. So we stuff our emotions while we take care of everyone else.

Funerals in Minnesota are a minimal expression of our losses. We make small talk with relatives and show composure and say and do all the right things. We even cry when we are supposed to. Right on cue.

What I wanted to do at my mom's funeral was scream at the top of my lungs. Or hit someone. I was so angry. And afterwards, at mom and dad's house, to see all the ladies helping out in my mother's kitchen triggered more primal rage. This was my mother's space - her kitchen, her life. People had no right to be in my mother's home.

What really happened at my mother's funeral is that I comforted others and made small talk. I tended to my kids and stuffed my emotions. I took care of my pregnant self - drank enough water so I didn't get dehydrated and ate a bit.

It makes sense in those cultures in the world that have professional mourners who go to funerals. They cry and moan and carry on. Minnesota should have professionals who grieve like that since it's so difficult for us to do. I wonder where you get one.